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English native speakers! Please help with the motivation letter!?

Dear ladies and gentlemen: I appreciate this opportunity to provide further background information in support of my application for entrance to the Business Administration program with major International Management at ******* for the 2008 autumn term. Ever since I was a child I dreamed of being a manger and imagined myself doing negotiations and traveling around the world. Seeing my family involved in business administration and how they enjoy doing it is a big motivation factor me. There are many reasons for my desire to pursue an international business major During my childhood I have lived in ***** and ****. I have had the possibility to travel a lot abroad and learn from the other nations and the different cultures. I talk in five different languages and enjoy working in a team with people of different nationalities. “I know the price of success: dedication, hard work and an unremitting devotion to the things you want to see happen” - Frank Lloyd Wright once said .I came to know that if I set clear goals and work hard, I could envision my future and direct the path of my life. I am confident that *** is the best school for shaping my future the way that I imagine. My future plan after graduation is to work in an international company in ******. After gaining some years of experience I would like to earn an MBA degree. With all the uncertainty and political, economic and technological changes in the world, I believe that management must have a solid understanding, supported by a strong academic foundation, of how to guide companies through these challenging times. In conclusion I would like to say that I like to take responsibility and to work alone or as part of a team. I am able to work hard and love challenges. I am eager to gain new experiences and in my opinion this program is the best way to achieve that. With a college degree, my possibilities would be endless, the starting salaries would be higher, I would get more recognition from companies, better quality jobs, and the satisfaction of succeeding in life I find that in the letter is something missing or perhaps anything too much. I would really appreciate your help as I need to finish this within two days. I highly appreciate your opinions and suggestions. Thank you in advance.

Public Comments

1. Dear sir or madam: I want to further explain some of my qualitative issues to supplement my application for the Business Administration program ******* for the 2008 fall term. My parents run a humble business, through which they have funded my education. It has been my childhood dream to learn more about business, while also maintaining a balance in life skills that your institution offers. In doing so, I want to progress toward my goals of succeeding in international business. With this, I want to move down the path of realising my dream, while also fulfilling my family's wish. In a sense, I recognize that I carry the burden of my hopes and dreams, as well as theirs. I am ready for that burden, but need the opportunity to carry it forward. I have lived in *** and ***, but my horizons stretch across the entire world. I see the trend of a world getting more integrated, which requires better skills to bridge the divides. My figurative journey to become more international started with a literal trip. I have had the pleasure of visiting numerous countries and being exposed to their fascinating cultures. I have embraced this multiculturalism, as evident through my ability to speak five different languages. I think that my achievements will speak for themselves. However, what is not evident is the hard word and dedication that was required to get there. I am not the richest, smartest or most talented person in the world. But I am blessed in that I recognize where my weaknesses are, can envision my goals, and realize the amount of sweat and tears required to get there. Thank you in advance for giving me the chance to prove myself and make my mark upon the world whereby I, my family, and the people that I will eventually meet in my lifetime will be proud to know {your name}, alumnus of ****.